The Menopausal Knitter

Knitting to Know EweLet’s begin with puberty, shall we? Puberty is like a new star being born into the universe. It enters space with a huge explosion, creating chaos. It’s arrival affects everything in the universe, reaching into infinity. After a long time has passed, the star begins to die. It again explodes with its last bit of light. The explosion is so enormous that the star folds into itself and becomes dense. This density is so great that it forms a black hole in space.

A black hole. This is menopause. Yes. It sucks this much.

I have been going through menopause myself for what feels like infinity, and I have been surrounded by menopausal women at the store for eight years now. I know a lot about menopause, and would like to share my thoughts and observations.

I do need to vent just a little. Not a whole lot has changed for women regarding menopause. Sure, we have that patch, and it does work. No doubt; but while I was wearing it, a nurse told me that it was not helping me through menopause, but POSTPONING it. Envisioning myself at ninety having hot flashes, I took it off and never used one again. You know that if menopause was a guy thing (It should be; it has the word “men” in it.), there would be a world of new technology for it. There would be Olympic competitions like the Hot Flash Decathlon (Go For The Burn), or the Water Retention Competitions. How about the Lack of Sleep Marathon?

They can afford to be jovial and playful. Why? Because in their universe, there would be a special menopause clinic where they would enter, get their menopause vaccine and skip merrily out into the world again, singing, “A Whiter Shade Of Pale” (Every guy loves this song and I don’t know why because no one can understand what it means.), holding onto their bronze medal for the “Keeping It Together After Someone Said I was Fat” Relay. Men have it so easy. We have puberty, PMS, childbearing, and THEN menopause. What do they have? “I pulled my back out today” and “I am losing my hair.” Wah, wah, wah. They even have the little blue pill that keeps them from feeling over the hill. (Yes, because this is what every woman wants. A ninety-five year old guy who thinks he is a stud muffin…perfect.) I actually started knitting again because I began menopause. I have noticed, with a lot of women, knitting gives them something to focus on. Knitting actually can be a remedy for many of the symptoms. Here are some:

If You Don’t Stop Talking, I Will Punch You In The Throat Symptom

This is a popular one. All of a sudden, all the people you love the most really start to annoy you. You just can’t figure out why they continue to do things that drive you up the wall.

Remedy: Pick up a few of those orange cones you see on the highway. Place them around your most comfy chair. Sit in the chair with your knitting, and announce to your loved ones that they should not try to get past the cones. They should also not attempt to speak to you while you are in the chair. Tell them if they try, you will break them. This should work.

My Metabolism Left In The Middle Of The Night. The Closet And Drawers Are Empty.

I think it is a really gone for good symptom. This is a tough one to deal with. We all know what it means. It means that, no matter what you eat (or don’t eat), your body is never again going to burn it up. No. Never.

Remedy: You know that little belly bulge that will be with you now until you die or have it surgically removed? Give it a name. (Mine has been Selma, but I am thinking of changing it to Sky Dancer). Understand that it needs to be treated like a family member. Knit it a lap throw. Embrace your new-found friend and then cover it up. Count stitches instead of calories. There is no longer any point in the latter activity.

I Am Starving And, Yes, I Am Staying At This All You Can Eat Buffet Until I Am Happy Again. You Got A Problem With That? Symptom

I know. The irony is palpable. Just when you can’t eat anything, you want to eat the most. A lot of people say that knitting distracts them from thinking about food. Sadly this has never worked for me. I just continually think about things I would like to eat while I am knitting.

Remedy: For each knitting project that you complete, you can treat yourself to an obscenely edible reward. Like a cheesecake the size of your head, or a side of beef. This is bound to speed up your knitting. Win win.

Wise Ass Alert: No, a finished gauge swatch does not count. Work with me here.

My Body Thermostat Is Broken. I Am Freezing And My Lips Are Turning Blue Symptom

This is actually part of a two-part symptom. This is the part where icicles begin to form in your blood stream. It is nearly impossible to get warm.

Remedy: This symptom was made for knitting. I am thinking an afghan here. Something with a lot of weight that can make you nice and toasty while your body temperature plummets. Why not add a pair of socks? We all know that socks keep you warm. Lots of knitting here.

I Now Know What The Surface Of The Sun Feels Like Symptom

Yes. The infamous hot flash. Just when you have regained a proper temperature, you begin to feel the wave of heat moving up your body. It keeps traveling up towards your head. No matter how many times this has occurred, I have been in disbelief that my body would actually do this to me. After all we have been through together, I thought we were great friends. You have to rethink a friendship where your friend is attempting to blow your head off. Your reaction is that everything must be removed from your body RIGHT THIS MINUTE. (Highly inconvenient if you are anywhere outside of your house.)

Knitting Pattern from Knitting to Know EweRemedy: The button-less cardigan. We are actually making this sweaters at a knit-along at our store right now. It is perfect for looking great and it rips off your body immediately. You can order this knitting pattern on our site. Make yourself one of these in every color. Now, when you feel the heat coming on, you will be wearing break away clothing. Wear a cami underneath. You have instant relief and your head remains intact.

 Who Are You? Who Am I? And Why Am I In This Room? Symptom

If there was a remedy for this one, I forgot it.

So you see, there are many solutions within the world of knitting to aid us in our struggle with menopause. Look for more of these symptoms and remedies in my future blogs. Here are some to note:

  • “Where The Hell Did I Park My Car?” Symptom
  • “Why And How Am I Related To These People?” Symptom
  • “I Will Give You $500 For That Bag Of Kit Kats” Symptom
  • “Just Let Me Finish This Last Row Or I Will Go Insane And Take You With Me” Symptom

 

Now, here is the new portion of my blog entitled “Business As Usual.” (The people who manage our website are putting their collective feet down, and insisting that I stop rambling long enough to include some store info).

We are getting ready for an awesome event with Lori Versaci, a fantastic designer for ShiBui Knits! She will be at our store on Friday night, October 25th, from 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm. And, for those who can’t make the event, Lori will be at our store all day Saturday, October 26th. She is bringing her trunk show and we are bringing wine and cheese. The cost of the event is $10, and you can register right here on our website to ensure your place at the event. It is going to be great fun. She has got some gorgeous new designs. Below are some of Lori’s designs…

Thanks for reading my blog!